There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
