I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
