No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
