went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
