True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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