So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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