Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
