I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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