Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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