Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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