On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
