Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
