Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
