FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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