I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
