I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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