You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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