Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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