You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
