ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
