Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
