I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
