where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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