God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
