i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
