How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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