My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
