Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
