Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
