it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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