Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Rumble strips road head = magical
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
