dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
