hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
