too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
