Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
