there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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