I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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