There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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