Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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