eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
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Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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