Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
