Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
