Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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