I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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