It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we're so committed to being not committed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
