Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize