Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
