I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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