You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
