I wish they made helmets for livers.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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