remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
