I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
