He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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