guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
