Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
