is wine microwaveable?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
