Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
