Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
