This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I supernannyed him into submission
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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