I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
