I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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