Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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