my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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