I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
